by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
The scenario is, I was arrested and the charges against me were Assault IV/Domestic Violence. It has never happened before – or should I say, the Police have never been called before. Okay, let’s say, I don’t get physically abusive in my home but this one time, I lost control of myself…oh, did I say control? Yes, it really is about control and the relinquishing of that control to you intimate partner. How can I do that? I was raised to be in charge of my family. In fact, nobody ever told me but I think it meant, “I am the superior gender of the two”
That was my assumption all these years? So when I attend Domestic Violence treatment and it takes me weeks – maybe months to admit that I am a power and control seeker. I’ll know it’s my problem because it’s the denial that supports the premise that I seek control. It’s what I was taught. Maybe not directly but I learned it nonetheless. This is how I know it’s my problem. I can’t admit in an open forum that I am not necessarily the superior gender. I can’t say that my partner and I really have a partnership and in any sense of the word, we are not collaborators. And so, it will take me maybe longer than the court has mandated, to rebuild my relationship if there is a relationship left.
This was just an example of what I sometimes witness…
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management
We all know that anger is an emotion experienced by all – it’s unavoidable. So, what are the choices when reacting to it? Well, we can express it appropriately or inappropriately (good or bad). Counselors don’t like those two words when describing behavior…
We can express, suppress, or use calming techniques.
First of all, there isn’t a lot of research in regards to anger management but most experts agree that learning how to express our anger appropriately is by far the best way to deal with this thing we call aggression. Next, we can suppress it by holding it in, take a time out before converting it into something more constructive, and third, we can calm down and let the feelings subside. We need at least two of the three I believe, to be successful in controlling harmful aggression.
First, learning how to articulate feelings in a way to effect positive change takes time, but it is the most effective because it offers resolution. So, what do we do while we are learning to communicate? Well, one of the other two methods should help in the process. Personally, I would prefer the calming method which could be relaxation techniques, exercise, and good diet to start.
Of course, if there is a drug and alcohol problem lurking about, it is during this process that it should be addressed and if identified as part of the problem, treatment should be sought out. After all, drugs and alcohol are really mood altering substances and can play havoc on complex wiring such as our brain has.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
Familicide is considered a rare phenomenon and therefore, difficult to track the motivating factors and causation. In this case, was he a possessively jealous person? Is it the threat of loosing a possession that might bring this type reaction to the surface? This trait came to the surface as the marriage deteriorated due to the external factors such as failing finances and pending domestic violence charges. It was those internal factors in the life of this husband that dictated that final, ultimate, and desperate act of maintaining control over what he considered his possessions.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
Clearly, if we read and research the court records of domestic violence, we will find that it is the male who dominates the perpetrator statistics. Likewise, if it is true that increasing convictions of the females within our western society are occurring, it is no less a societal problem.
A man for example, will put up with the so-called, nagging and occasional tantrums of his wife, but eventually will loose his temper and become the aggressor in the relationship. This is not to say perpetrators are not responsible for their actions because they most definitely are – no one should have to put up with being abused—physically or otherwise.
The wise always consider that this thing we call domestic violence has an equation attached to it. That is to say, it takes two. To what extent is not relevant because of one fact. The aggressor is responsible for the inflicted injuries.
The implication here is simply to say, conflict resolution training should be a mandate in every domestic violence treatment program, and yes, and there must be a way to prepare the couple for eventual training in this area. This will not work if the relationship is being dissolved, but for a couple who is willing to work through their differences, there should be a integrated approach to treatment as difficult as this may seem to some.
The vision here is to have the aggressor complete with a passing grade, the phase of perpetrator treatment that deals with taking responsibility for one’s actions. This should then be followed by some intensive family treatment, specializing in resolving problems in an amicable way.
Yes, I am saying that a victim can also be a perpetrator — a passive aggressive perpetrator to be exact. And regardless of how society chooses to play it out, it still takes two to tango and always will. This is what makes it a family and societal problem. It is the society’s views on relationships that can have meaningful impact on the way marital couples resolve their differences.
Where and when should this training begin? Our first inclination is to say the family of course, but if this is a societal problem, then it should be attacked on a macro level to effectively change the world view of so many who will enter into relationships.
At what age is it appropriate for our public school system to implement courses of study surrounding conflict resolution? When are our children capable of independent thought? This is where the answer lies and the sooner we begin the daunting task, the better.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
Domestic Violence is progressive. Given this fact, we gain insights into why the person who is subjected to this violence doesn’t just leave.
The primary reason given by victims of domestic violence for staying or returning to the perpetrator is fear of violence in consequence of leaving and the lack of real options for safety with their children.This fear of the violence is realistic. Research on battered women shows that the lethality of the perpetrator’s violence often increases when the perpetrator believes that the victim has left or is about to leave the relationship (Campbell, J., 1992, Wilson & Daly, 1993). This certainly held true for Tuan Dao’s case.
The literature suggests several indicators for homicide against the victim: the perpetrators’ obsession with the victim, a pattern of escalating physical violence — increased risk-taking by the batterer; threats to kill the victim and self; substance abuse; and a gun in the household (Campbell, J., 1992; Saunders, 1994; Hart & Gondolf, 1984; Kellerman, et al., 1993). In Tuan Dao’s history, there are threats of suicide but not homicide. He did however, in recent years, escalate his violence in the home and in fact, at times, he took out his frustrations on his children, using punishment as a front through which he expressed his frustration with his inability to cope.
