by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide
Is there a more complex issue having to do with families? After all, we turn the news on and what do we hear? Someone just shot and killed a police officer who was answering a 911 call about domestic violence. Or a distraught father decides to kill his whole family instead of letting go of something that really didn’t belong to him in the first place. At least not in the way he thought they belonged to him.
A quick check of our County Jail shows in excess of 650 inmates and a whopping 1/3 of those were due to assaulting a family member. This is the typical population of our county jail. That number is not going down, and as long as I have been tracking it (seven years), it’s been fairly flat. The only thing that changes is the name of the inmate.
Of course, many of those are back in jail because they violated a No Contact Order. You can add that number to the 1/3 I mentioned, by the way.
How do we fix that? Why is that number still the same? After all, we have a Coordinated Community Response; we have multiple DV perpetrator treatment programs in the area, and a YWCA with a great program in place for victims of family violence. There is also a dedicated prosecution setup just for family assault prosecution yet we have a steady flow of customers into our treatment programs. One could say, “Our community has a program set up to handle this problem.” But if the number of people being prosecuted doesn’t decrease, can we say the program is successful?
It’s a multidimensional problem and needs a multidimensional solution in order to effect change. What change is that? To lower the number of assaults on family members? That may be the ultimate goal but between now and that goal, think of all the work to be done. All the moving parts of the system that really do have an effect on the outcome.
We have the Law Enforcement (which is an after the fact component), the YWCA which is in place with many advocates to support the victims and typically this too is after the fact. And of course, we have the DV treatment providers, again, after the fact. This list is not all inclusive but you get the point…everything we have is geared to handle a problem after it happens. What do we have that helps with prevention? And why is it not or more accurately, why is the number of arrests constant?
It takes more than a post on LinkedIn to answer these questions but for the sake of this limited post, let’s say that number of arrests can be decreased by:
- Teaching our children how to communicate effectively. Eventually, we’ll have a generation of people who know how to place a bid with their partner without fear of reprisal or rejection and even if there is rejection, they know how to process that too.
- When a person is arrested for assaulting a family member, a careful vetting of the individual who is accused should be a must. A complete risk assessment that considers not only the abuser but the victim as well. We want to believe this is being done already but it’s not and in most cases, I’ll go out on a limb and say they’re not effective in doing so.
- From a very early age, hold those in our care responsible for all they think, say, and do; without fail and consistently. Be equitable when handing out punishment and know what is a teaching moment and what is a punitive moment (can be the same). When punishing/teaching, don’t be angry – not necessary to make the point.
- Remember, and probably the most important of all…treating perpetrators who have been found guilty of assault/DV is only one part of this equation. A person attending a treatment program may be able to alter behavior by learning how to channel aggressive feelings or by learning relaxation techniques or even developing empathic tendencies but until a person changes internally, it is my opinion that the change will not be permanent.
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide
It has been nearly four years since the murder of five of our eight grandchildren. Their distraught father who had been arrested and charged with assault/DV just a month prior, murdered them. I wrote what can be considered a fatality review of the event. In my research following the murders, I have been able to form an opinion about the profile of a person capable of such a dastardly deed. In any relationship, there are many moving parts and is most certainly multidimensional in that it takes more than one element to ensure its success or failure.
The most haunting of questions I had then and still to this day, is – why? Could it have been prevented? Well, the first question of why is probably the easier of the two to answer. And that is, his love for his family was malignant. It was malignant because he didn’t have the basic understanding of what love really was. It was an unrealistic expectation he had of his wife and without understanding what real love was, it was based on him getting his own needs fulfilled – it was a one-way street.
A disagreement with this person was to actually make him feel rejected and a typical reaction to that rejection was to at first, make his wife feel small. He did this by belittling her and isolating her from her support system. It evolved into hitting the walls and kicking and throwing the family pet across the room in fits of rage. Just like so many of the text books concerning domestic violence, this was a tactic to control her. In his mind, he was forcing her to love him but since he didn’t know what love looked like, his reactions to any opposing views were met with aggression.
His aggression didn’t translate into physical altercations with his wife – He used sex (forced) as a means to satisfy his desire to dominate instead of love. I also believe his behavior was escalating and when his wife made the decision to leave him, the unhealthy attachment he felt for her came to light. Panic ensued thereafter. He was the one now isolated, and it drove him mad as the one he looked to for motherly support, to care for his every desire, was abandoning him. His mindset was that of, “my mother is leaving me!” Or “How dare she (my possession) leave me! Such distorted thinking can drive a person mad and translate into what the outer-world would probably view as jealousy when in fact, it was fear of being left behind and unloved.
It was fear of abandonment that guided his behavior all the years of their marriage and as they transitioned from their twenties into their thirties, it only become more of a malignant relationship – not based on love rather satisfying the needs of one. Of course, it takes two in a marriage to ensure it’s success (or failure) but it has to be two who are willing to adjust to the changes of the other – be dynamic in a sense. Further, all too often, couples adapt an unrealistic expectation of what love is and based on that expectation, become disappointed often. Why? Because we are all imperfect, some more so than others and without the compassion and willingness to change and adapt in the relationship, the failure of this marriage was decided long before he decided to end it all – taking his children with him.
His wife played a part as does every partner but this writing is about his part and will address hers another time. Bottom line though, it was he who decided to try maintaining control by going all in – taking the lives of those children and his own. It was not his life or the lives of his children to take.
A complete forensic look at the events prior to and after can be found in a book titled, “More Than Domestic Violence, The Insidious Story.”
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence
I know a couple (man and wife) that have very distinct and traditional roles in their marriage. The husband is the breadwinner and the wife manages the home, which includes balancing the checkbook and budget. If you were to see this couple walking together hand in hand in the mall, you would not guess this is the case. They are content with what they have and don’t seek to get what they cannot afford. Their finances are well balanced with the spending and if they decide together that they would like something new for the house, it is discussed between the two and decided upon.
The children are well disciplined and show signs that they know about personal hygiene and grooming. Sometimes the children fight amongst themselves and the parents let them resolve (within the guidelines) the problems on their own.
The parents are continuously talking to the children about their future and the schooling that has to do with that future.
The children are not heavily influenced by the outside world, but the parents know they will soon begin confiding in their peers about what they deem important. The parents know this and are not resistant to the fact that it is coming and coming soon. The parents figure they have until the children turn 12 or 13 until that transition. After that, they will only act as the support and take on a new role as covert protector. The parents will tell the children about boundaries and let them know that they will respect theirs provided they stay safe.
The children by then will understand about the human growth process and how the brain works going from early childhood – adolescence, to adulthood. They will have been trained to think before acting on something (even though they will slip from time to time) and will be aware that the parents will not judge them harshly for petty errors.
The children learn more from watching and listening to their parents in the background when the parents don’t think they are listening. The parents know this and so, they are careful about what they discuss in the open and save the secrets for an appropriate time and place.
The parents watch closely and reward the children as they grow. They don’t forget to allow the children to express themselves and they teach them about love by not telling them about it rather, by showing them how they love each other as husband and wife on a daily basis.
The parents are convinced that their children will be able to cope because as this family grew, the children witnessed their parents in conflict. Sometimes it was resolved and sometimes not. Sometimes there was compromise and acceptance and was always a win-win scenario. The children saw that there doesn’t have to be one who triumphs over another – they saw their parents in collaboration. They will not understand it until they reach maturity but nonetheless, they have learned it by witnessing it throughout their upbringing.
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
Are you afraid to say you are the head of your household? Do you and your spouse have agreed upon roles for the sake of organizing your family in order to raise the children in an organized, thoughtful, and forward thinking way of life? Or is your home in chaos?
If man has been socialized to think he is the controller but misunderstands the role, shouldn’t that thinking be explored? Is there really a problem with being assigned the role of head of household? Does it have to be either a man or a woman? What difference does it really make as long as there is integrity, continuity, and love in the home (love is not always a comfortable experience by the way).
Here is a thought to ponder – if you’re such a great leader in the work place, should you understand how to convert that leadership style into something more fitting for the family?
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
My name is Sarah, I am but three, my eyes are swollen, I cannot see.
I must be stupid – I must be bad – What else could have made my Daddy so mad?
I wish I were better – I wish I weren’t ugly – Then maybe my mummy would still want to hug me
I can’t speak at all – I can’t do a wrong – Or else I’m locked up all day long
When I awake, I’m all alone – The house is dark – My parents aren’t home
When mummy does come, I’ll try to be nice – Then maybe I’ll just get – One whipping tonight
Don’t make a sound, I just heard a car – my daddy is back – From Charlie’s bar
I hear him curse – my name he calls – I press myself against the wall
I try to hide from his evil eyes – I’m so afraid now – I’m starting to cry
He finds me weeping – He shouts ugly words – He says it’s my fault that he suffers at work
He slaps me and hits me, and yells at me more – I finally get free, And run for the door
He’s already locked it and I start to bawl – He takes me and throws me – against the hard wall
I fall to the floor – with my bones badly broken – And my daddy continues – with more bad words spoken
“I’m sorry!” I scream – but its now much too late – His face has been twisted into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain – Again and again – oh please God have mercy – Oh please let it end
And he finally stops – and heads for the door – while I lay there motionless, Sprawled on the floor
My name is Sarah – I am but three – Tonight my daddy murdered me
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence
Here are the reasons I believe the last thing you need is couples therapy to correct a Domestic Violence behavior: I believe in autonomy and believe also that everyone is responsible for their own change. For the purpose of this post, I categorize DV as a “True Batterer and Impulse Control Batterer.”
The true batterer, as defined but the State is someone who imposes their will on to another by means of physical, sexual, psychological, and emotional tactics. This is the person (male or female) who has a deep seated belief that it is okay to use abusive behavior to control others. This type person will most likely not benefit from treatment (re-education). This is not to say they will not change because surely, some do and it’s usually later in life when that change comes about…How much damage have they done in the process of their change? This type batterer is not suited for couples therapy because he/she will use the therapy session to gather intelligence and ammunition to use against their victim and so, it becomes a safety issue. Most professional subscribe to that idea.
The impulse control batterer is most likely a person who doesn’t cope well with change or has some carry-over issues from adolescence that manifests in adulthood. This person throws things out of frustration and the inability to reach a compromise in conflict resolution; there is no middle ground for the person who lacks the necessary coping skill that should have been learned early in life. Some would argue that this is still domestic violence and I would agree with that with the exception of a true batterer does not have to be angry to be abusive and this person is someone who is reactive to situations due to lack of skills.
