by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
My name is Sarah, I am but three, my eyes are swollen, I cannot see.
I must be stupid – I must be bad – What else could have made my Daddy so mad?
I wish I were better – I wish I weren’t ugly – Then maybe my mummy would still want to hug me
I can’t speak at all – I can’t do a wrong – Or else I’m locked up all day long
When I awake, I’m all alone – The house is dark – My parents aren’t home
When mummy does come, I’ll try to be nice – Then maybe I’ll just get – One whipping tonight
Don’t make a sound, I just heard a car – my daddy is back – From Charlie’s bar
I hear him curse – my name he calls – I press myself against the wall
I try to hide from his evil eyes – I’m so afraid now – I’m starting to cry
He finds me weeping – He shouts ugly words – He says it’s my fault that he suffers at work
He slaps me and hits me, and yells at me more – I finally get free, And run for the door
He’s already locked it and I start to bawl – He takes me and throws me – against the hard wall
I fall to the floor – with my bones badly broken – And my daddy continues – with more bad words spoken
“I’m sorry!” I scream – but its now much too late – His face has been twisted into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain – Again and again – oh please God have mercy – Oh please let it end
And he finally stops – and heads for the door – while I lay there motionless, Sprawled on the floor
My name is Sarah – I am but three – Tonight my daddy murdered me
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence
Here are the reasons I believe the last thing you need is couples therapy to correct a Domestic Violence behavior: I believe in autonomy and believe also that everyone is responsible for their own change. For the purpose of this post, I categorize DV as a “True Batterer and Impulse Control Batterer.”
The true batterer, as defined but the State is someone who imposes their will on to another by means of physical, sexual, psychological, and emotional tactics. This is the person (male or female) who has a deep seated belief that it is okay to use abusive behavior to control others. This type person will most likely not benefit from treatment (re-education). This is not to say they will not change because surely, some do and it’s usually later in life when that change comes about…How much damage have they done in the process of their change? This type batterer is not suited for couples therapy because he/she will use the therapy session to gather intelligence and ammunition to use against their victim and so, it becomes a safety issue. Most professional subscribe to that idea.
The impulse control batterer is most likely a person who doesn’t cope well with change or has some carry-over issues from adolescence that manifests in adulthood. This person throws things out of frustration and the inability to reach a compromise in conflict resolution; there is no middle ground for the person who lacks the necessary coping skill that should have been learned early in life. Some would argue that this is still domestic violence and I would agree with that with the exception of a true batterer does not have to be angry to be abusive and this person is someone who is reactive to situations due to lack of skills.
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
Even when a person decides to change, it’s not like flipping the light switch off. The behavior continues without practicing alternative ways of conflict resolution. This is assuming the Abuser is not showing any sociopathic tendencies, in which case, no reason is needed for abuse. When a person decides to change, that first step is the most powerful of all changes.
The next step is to discover why the behavior was there in the first place – an exploration of belief systems to discover if there are any flaws in that area. Ask yourself, “How did I come to believe it’s okay to manipulate and use other controlling behaviors in order to maintain a comfort zone?”
If possible, after you have taken responsibility for your own abusive behaviors, explore your relationship and share with your partner how you are changing and trying to change (in time, you’ll not need to tell your partner as they will see the change). Learn to take criticism constructively and to invest into your emotional bank account by complimenting not only your intimate partner but everyone in your household. This investment cost no money and have a tremendous return ratio – guaranteed!
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence
I have been working with Veterans for nearly twenty-years now and have drawn the following conclusion in regards to adjustment problems Veterans face after recently being discharged from the military.
Being depressed because things aren’t working out the way we planned is in my opinion, a normal response. In fact, if the transition isn’t working as planned, consider seeing a doctor if that is perceived as acceptable. When we lose our motivation for external reasons and can’t seem to get that back, it’s time to seek help. That’s not always mental health help rather, assistance with those pain in the butt problems the will not go away. We all become distraught in stressful situations and how we resolve issues during those times of difficulty is telling of our coping skills. Remember, during out time in the military, most everything we do is done as a team and having someone there to rely on is expected.
I encourage any Vet having problems with putting that productive life together after discharge, to seek out other Vets that have been there and done that; someone you can get along with – someone you can rely on for nonjudgemental support to help you steer along the way.
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
I was raised by a father who was born in 1919 and a mother of the same era. They lived through the depression and family roles were very clear cut in those days (as I was taught by my father). My father was the care taker of the family matters and from all appearances, the final say about any disputes that presented. He, although a compassionate and fair man and certainly respected by the community, had all the power – he had the ultimate control over the family. Now, it wasn’t a malignant power; it was just how it was and society defined the roles of the men and women back then just as it is done now.
As the rules changed in regards to male and female roles, it was not met without resistance. You see, the power we had as men and caretakers of our family had been diminished by society and rightly so. Far too many abused their power over their partners and even those who were not responsible roles models for their families, continued to use and of course, abuse the assumed power over the family.
Here’s what I think happens when the control and power is questioned: It is thought to be an innate power and when it is questioned and the, let’s say, head of the household has problems with communication skills or has a fear of losing control, then anxiety becomes a component of the family dynamic and that just doesn’t mix well. This post is addressed to only the males – our society and the rules are ever so changing and we should embrace the differences between men and women and further, explore how to lose the fear of someone else sharing the load or in short, being in control. How do we define what a man is? That is the real question. As a man, what is more important? Love or Respect? I would ask the same question of any female readers. This is just a perspective and I write this knowing there are many more…
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence
I choose not to subscribe to the tactics of blaming one sex or the other. When it comes to family violence, it’s a little more complicated than, “It’s a men’s issue.”
I don’t question the veracity of it may be a men’s issue. Rather I choose to think it is more complicated than one sex over another. Bottom line though, I have zero tolerance for terrorism in the home regardless of how it is perpetrated.
Usually when it gets to sexual (not about sex) and other physical abuse, it is a final tactic to maintain control over a person…it runs deep and I love to read and listen to different perspectives on the subject. A final thought I have at the moment though – one person is responsible for their actions but it may take more than that one to fix it. If the Victim is no longer putting in a bid for the relationship to move forward, then it’s not in the cards for the two to put in the effort to reconcile. Otherwise, after a time of treatment, it may reach a point where couples counseling comes into play; not always though. This is a volatile subject but I welcome dialog and will always try to contribute positively on the subject matter.
I give much thought to this subject and today was no exception to my rule of contemplation surrounding DV and terrorism in the home. Jackson Katzs is part of a great movement and that movement, changing the distorted thinking of men on a global level, fits his mission as it is a changing paradigm. We (men) are really socialized to fit a role defined not by us rather our society as a whole. Here’s a twist in all that though – we all play a role in our personal relationships…how are those roles defined? Should it be okay to agree on the role of a husband/father or the wife/mother? Those two questions are what makes this a most daunting task.
