by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
Are you afraid to say you are the head of your household? Do you and your spouse have agreed upon roles for the sake of organizing your family in order to raise the children in an organized, thoughtful, and forward thinking way of life? Or is your home in chaos?
If man has been socialized to think he is the controller but misunderstands the role, shouldn’t that thinking be explored? Is there really a problem with being assigned the role of head of household? Does it have to be either a man or a woman? What difference does it really make as long as there is integrity, continuity, and love in the home (love is not always a comfortable experience by the way).
Here is a thought to ponder – if you’re such a great leader in the work place, should you understand how to convert that leadership style into something more fitting for the family?
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
My name is Sarah, I am but three, my eyes are swollen, I cannot see.
I must be stupid – I must be bad – What else could have made my Daddy so mad?
I wish I were better – I wish I weren’t ugly – Then maybe my mummy would still want to hug me
I can’t speak at all – I can’t do a wrong – Or else I’m locked up all day long
When I awake, I’m all alone – The house is dark – My parents aren’t home
When mummy does come, I’ll try to be nice – Then maybe I’ll just get – One whipping tonight
Don’t make a sound, I just heard a car – my daddy is back – From Charlie’s bar
I hear him curse – my name he calls – I press myself against the wall
I try to hide from his evil eyes – I’m so afraid now – I’m starting to cry
He finds me weeping – He shouts ugly words – He says it’s my fault that he suffers at work
He slaps me and hits me, and yells at me more – I finally get free, And run for the door
He’s already locked it and I start to bawl – He takes me and throws me – against the hard wall
I fall to the floor – with my bones badly broken – And my daddy continues – with more bad words spoken
“I’m sorry!” I scream – but its now much too late – His face has been twisted into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain – Again and again – oh please God have mercy – Oh please let it end
And he finally stops – and heads for the door – while I lay there motionless, Sprawled on the floor
My name is Sarah – I am but three – Tonight my daddy murdered me
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
I was raised by a father who was born in 1919 and a mother of the same era. They lived through the depression and family roles were very clear cut in those days (as I was taught by my father). My father was the care taker of the family matters and from all appearances, the final say about any disputes that presented. He, although a compassionate and fair man and certainly respected by the community, had all the power – he had the ultimate control over the family. Now, it wasn’t a malignant power; it was just how it was and society defined the roles of the men and women back then just as it is done now.
As the rules changed in regards to male and female roles, it was not met without resistance. You see, the power we had as men and caretakers of our family had been diminished by society and rightly so. Far too many abused their power over their partners and even those who were not responsible roles models for their families, continued to use and of course, abuse the assumed power over the family.
Here’s what I think happens when the control and power is questioned: It is thought to be an innate power and when it is questioned and the, let’s say, head of the household has problems with communication skills or has a fear of losing control, then anxiety becomes a component of the family dynamic and that just doesn’t mix well. This post is addressed to only the males – our society and the rules are ever so changing and we should embrace the differences between men and women and further, explore how to lose the fear of someone else sharing the load or in short, being in control. How do we define what a man is? That is the real question. As a man, what is more important? Love or Respect? I would ask the same question of any female readers. This is just a perspective and I write this knowing there are many more…
by Mike Willbur | Familicide, Uncategorized
Is it suicide that is really sought out by the person who just died by his or her own hand? Or is suicide the tool used to stop the pain that is somehow induced into their already miserable existence? In the case of Tuan Dao, if we look closer into his life, we can arrive at the conclusion he was in a state of despair with no escape route in sight. It may have been a last resort to end the suffering, which really amounted to his inability to cope with a temporary situation he perceived as permanent and inconceivable.
Let’s take the murderous event out of this equation for a moment and look at Tuan Dao’s beginnings. I wrote briefly about the possible scenarios of his early life, which culminated into a person with no coping skills, emotional regulator, and no innate sense of humility. The latter would not serve him well in his family life simply because he I believe, dehumanized his whole family, starting with his wife. In reflection, the words ring clear as he was departing our home just days before he committed that horrendous crime, “they are not your possessions Tuan, they are your children.”
As I followed this family through the years, it became apparent to me he was becoming violent; first emotionally and eventually an occasional hole in the wall and finally, with the strike of a match, ending not only his life, but five of his children’s as well. One would ask, why fire? Why not use a gun like the 91% of the familicide perpetrators do? Let’s take the gun scenario for a moment. It’s fast and requires knee jerk-like reactions. In other words, a person who is impulsive may use a gun just because it’s available and only takes a second. More times than not, it’s a lack of impulse control which dictates the use of a gun to kill a family.
A fire on the other hand, takes planning for the most part – contemplation. This is called despair folks; pain. So much pain, in fact maybe in the absence of a gun, the only other option.
by Mike Willbur | Familicide, Uncategorized
Filicide-Suicide (the deliberate act of a parent killing their own child or children while subsequently taking their own life) is usually an extremely unpredictable act; one that is not anticipated by reasonable minds and one that is committed by a mentally deluded individual.
Efforts to rationalize this tragic and outrageous behavior are often attempted by blaming someone else other than the perpetrator for the events that unfold; however, the blame virtually always belongs squarely on the shoulders of the individual who perpetrated the crime. There is simply no reasonable explanation for a father intentionally killing his own children because he is psychologically distraught by his own personal failures or due to the fact that other people in his life are less than accepting or empathetic to his disappointments.
There is also no reason for any person to expect that a father would murder his own children unless he showed outward signs of extreme psychosis. Such an act is the product of an unstable and confused mind and not the product of other people’s criticism of the perpetrator’s past mistakes preceding the commission of the crime. Quite simply, the blame for filicide-suicide lies with the person who committed the crime.
The principal reasons someone perpetrates such an act of violence have been classified into 4 major categories:
- A parent who is severely delusional who believes that they are performing an altruistic act (for example, saving their children from some imagined suffering);
- A parent that is acutely psychotic;
- A parent that commits unintentional filicide (were the parent is in a heat of anger and inadvertently kills the child) and;
- A parent who kills the child as an act of revenge against the spouse.
Obviously, altruistic filicide could be theoretically justified if there was a real and present threat that would otherwise cause the children to endure extraordinary suffering and subsequent death if the parent did not kill them to avoid this extraordinary suffering. However, this is not the circumstance in well over 99% of the cases of filicide-suicide.
Many of the parents who commit filicide that do not subsequently kill themselves, and parents who commit filicide that subsequently commit suicide (who leave notes of explanation for their deeds), attribute altruistic motives to their crimes. However, these attributions cannot be taken at face value because it is simply human nature to attempt to justify any act of impropriety.
