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I Have a Mentor

I Have a Mentor

An Excerpt from a soon-to-be-published book

Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I need advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need, but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors, not always in person but am still listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.

My mentors don’t pick me rather, I pick them. They are young, old, male, and female. I have known many of them for years and others, just recent acquaintances. When I pick them, they are not aware that I am doing so; it is that discreet. They have said something wise or have taught me something that has enhanced my life, but in any case, they are selfless, and their only motive is to share something useful with the rest of the world – “they are giving back.”

When my mentors witness me in error, they are not judgmental, and when correcting me, they don’t point out the actual error. Instead, they bring attention to alternative points of view, allowing me to make another, more sound decision that will give me a more desirable outcome. I guess it’s like math – indeed, an equation that requires calculated risks to realize the desired change.

My mentors are not afraid to tell me what their opinion is on controversial subjects and don’t try to sway my belief in the process. It is just an exchange of ideas. They treat me with respect, and as I watch them, I see that they respect everyone. What they give to the world is indiscriminate with no prerequisites for receiving – it’s based on needs only. They are keenly aware of their imperfections and embrace the chance to improve them.

My mentors know how to criticize without being contemptuous. They understand the difference between the two words, and no one is destructive to relationships. To the many mentors on my list, I would like to thank you for knowing that doing the right thing is not the exception rather the norm.

Stealth learning by: Mike WIllbur

I Have a Mentor

I Have a Mentor

Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I’m in need of advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors; not always in person but am always listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.

My mentors don’t pick me rather I pick them. They are young, old, male and female. I have known many of them for years and others, just recent acquaintances. When I pick them, they are not aware that I am doing so; it is that discreet. They have said something wise or have taught me something that has enhanced my life but in any case, they are selfless and their only motive is to share something useful with the rest of the world – “they are giving back.”

When my mentors witness me in error, they are not judgmental and when correcting me, they don’t point out the actual error. Instead, they bring attention to alternative points of view, allowing me to make another, more sound decision that will give me a more desirable outcome. I guess it’s like math – certainly an equation that requires calculated risks in order to realize a desired change.

My mentors are not afraid to tell me what their opinion is on controversial subjects and don’t try to sway my opinion in the process. It is just an exchange of ideas. They treat me with respect and as I watch them, I see that they respect everyone. What they give to the world is indiscriminate with no prerequisites for receiving – it’s based on needs only. They are keenly aware of their own imperfections and embrace the chance to improve them.

My mentors know how to criticize without being contemptuous. They understand the difference between the two words and know one is destructive to relationships. To the many mentors on my list, I would like to thank you for knowing that doing the right thing is not the exception rather the norm.

 

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I Have a Mentor

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Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I’m in need of advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors; not always in person but am always listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.

System Or Procedural Problems?

System Or Procedural Problems?

In the northwest, recent family catastrophic events bring to my attention, the procedures, either lacking or not followed regarding domestic violence and the courts. In 2012, Joshua Powell murdered his two sons in a house fire that he too perished. In a short video, I...

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So often we hear things like, “Just let them cry it out” or “Ignore them, that’ll stop it.” I suppose if you want to have a child surrounded by anxiety issues in their adult life, that would be the way to go, you know, to create a being embedded with an insatiable...

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Most often in the universe outside law enforcement and the Court system, family annihilators are viewed as sociopathic, living outside the law. But the research shows otherwise, and we should all take heed and consider the possible corrective actions that would help...

Contact Me

Ask a question or book an appointment below. For emergencies call 911 or visit your nearest hospital

(360) 910-1687
mwillbur@willburcounseling.com

System Or Procedural Problems?

System Or Procedural Problems?

In the northwest, recent family catastrophic events bring to my attention, the procedures, either lacking or not followed regarding domestic violence and the courts. In 2012, Joshua Powell murdered his two sons in a house fire that he too perished.

In a short video, I viewed a news clip showing the Powell boys entering the house where their father was, ahead of the social worker assigned to the case, and to supervise the visitation. This proved fatal for those children, but of course, it was Joshua Powell that did the deed. And as in every after-action review, we can see that if procedures were in place to ensure safety, this might have never happened.

Another case, which happened in Vancouver, WA in 2011, found Tuan Dao with five of his six children in a vacant house, soon to be foreclosed. Just 30 days prior, he was arrested for assaulting his wife in their home. There was a No Contact Order in place, naming his wife as the protected party. The incident happened with the children present yet, and the court did not require supervised visitation for at least the time needed to adjudicate the case against Tuan Dao.

As in Josh Powell, Tuan Dao set his house ablaze with him and the children inside. They all perished. The similarities are worth studying. Josh Powell had a hatchet while Tuan Dao had a hammer, and both struck a match to end it all for themselves and the children.

It’s a guessing game trying to figure out why these two supposedly doting fathers would kill their children. It is much easier to accept the fact that the children were not in a safe environment, and a system coupled with the procedures within that system failed. It was unintentional but still a failure and certainly worth bringing the problems or perceived problems to the surface for analyzing and correction for the prevention of future such catastrophic events.

Summary:

It only makes sense for the court to look at each case and pick the ones where children are included in the relationship and not allow visitation without supervision during the adjudication period. Additionally, as we saw in the Powell case, if on that fateful day, the house was inspected before allowing the children in, that may have prevented the event. That said, the social worker in the Powell case may have been in danger as well, so I choose to believe, as do most behavioral scientists, that these family annihilators are anomalies. This fact does not relieve us of that awesome responsibility to ensure the safety of all family members.

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Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I’m in need of advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors; not always in person but am always listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.

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System Or Procedural Problems?

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Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

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Profiles of Family Annihilators

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The Importance of Rapport

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Contact Me

Ask a question or book an appointment below. For emergencies call 911 or visit your nearest hospital

(360) 910-1687
mwillbur@willburcounseling.com

Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

So often we hear things like, “Just let them cry it out” or “Ignore them, that’ll stop it.” I suppose if you want to have a child surrounded by anxiety issues in their adult life, that would be the way to go, you know, to create a being embedded with an insatiable need for soothing. Abnormal attachment is likely to happen with a child who has parents that employed the above two options to control behavior outbursts.

To a family that is struggling to make ends meet from check to check, this is expedient and will get them to the next day, but at what cost might you ask?

The cost is simple to calculate. When a child has a caregiver who is always available so they can see a safe place to retreat to while they explore the world in which they will sooner or later embark on, then it is likely that the child will develop a secure demeanor absent the anguish of being abandoned by their partner (used to be a mother). The general school of thought is that when a child is securely attached, they will not feel the anguish of abandonment while in an adult relationship. That brings me to what happens to those who experience neglect on so many different levels as a child.

Let’s fast-forward to the emerging adult stage where a couple have fallen in love and decided to tie the knot. In this case, the wife is firmly secure in her position in life and is confident in herself and ready to conquer the world. So, what would disrupt this development in a secure adult anyway?

Simply put, she/he has acquired an adult child in the form of a spouse/husband/wife/partner – however you gleaned that is semantics only. In the end, one is secure, and the other not. Scenarios like this present the one that is secure with the responsibility to continually affirm the other so they can function in their daily lives. This can be a burden on the relationship and is the unfortunate cause of many divorces in the world, not just the United States.

Summary

In conclusion, I must say, be prepared for change as you embark on married life because the vows you took are not mere promises engraved in stone for the life of the relationship. These vows should be fluid as our adaptations occur. We grow emotionally and intellectually throughout life and in doing so, our thinking and philosophy and even how we perceive problems in our relationships make changes. An enduring relationship is one that is patient and always willing to compromise which is the bedrock of lasting and successful marriages.

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I Have a Mentor

I Have a Mentor An Excerpt from a soon-to-be-published book Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I need advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need, but that’s because I don’t call...

I Have a Mentor

I Have a Mentor

Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I’m in need of advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors; not always in person but am always listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.

System Or Procedural Problems?

System Or Procedural Problems?

In the northwest, recent family catastrophic events bring to my attention, the procedures, either lacking or not followed regarding domestic violence and the courts. In 2012, Joshua Powell murdered his two sons in a house fire that he too perished. In a short video, I...

Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

So often we hear things like, “Just let them cry it out” or “Ignore them, that’ll stop it.” I suppose if you want to have a child surrounded by anxiety issues in their adult life, that would be the way to go, you know, to create a being embedded with an insatiable...

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Most often in the universe outside law enforcement and the Court system, family annihilators are viewed as sociopathic, living outside the law. But the research shows otherwise, and we should all take heed and consider the possible corrective actions that would help...

Contact Me

Ask a question or book an appointment below. For emergencies call 911 or visit your nearest hospital

(360) 910-1687
mwillbur@willburcounseling.com

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Most often in the universe outside law enforcement and the Court system, family annihilators are viewed as sociopathic, living outside the law. But the research shows otherwise, and we should all take heed and consider the possible corrective actions that would help with early warning signs and prevention.

 

The research about family annihilators shows that those who would commit such acts, are typically not engaged with the criminal justice system and don’t exhibit any mental health conditions. In other words, they fly under the radar. On the surface, they are loving husbands and good fathers. Most often, they hold good-paying jobs. So, what does the profile of a typical annihilator resemble? I took the following information from an article published by the UK titled, “A Taxonomy of Male British Annihilators, 2008-2013.”

 

In this article, Dr. Wilson states, first of all, “Very few of these ‘family annihilators’ had criminal records or were known to mental health services beforehand.”

 

Everyone will agree that family annihilation is a male crime due to out of 71 annihilators, 59 were male, and 12 were female. And although the reasons are not stated in the article, I believe that males and females who kill their children will do so for very different reasons. Therefore, the two should be parsed accordingly for research purposes.

 

Interestingly enough, 81% percent of the men attempted suicide after the act, which refutes the traditional idea that family annihilators may force the police to shoot them as is familiar with the spree murderers. In the case of family annihilators, there were no such cases recorded. Notably, 71% of those were employed, with occupations ranging from surgeons and marketing executives to mail carriers, and drivers.

 

According to the family members of the 71 annihilators mentioned, the family breakup was the most common cause in 66% of the cases. However, this included related domestic issues such as access to children. Financial difficulties were the second most commonly cited motive, followed by honor killing and mental illness.

 

The article discusses traits and motives which identify four types of family annihilators; anomic, disappointed, paranoid, and self-righteous. It is differentiated from the traditional ideas of revenge or altruistic murderers.

 

The self-righteous killer seeks to locate blame for his crimes upon the mother, who he holds responsible for the breakdown of the family. This type may phone his partner beforehand to explain what he is about to do. I believe this is the man who feels his breadwinner status is central to their idea of the ideal family. The disappointed type believes his family has let him down or has acted in ways to undermine or destroy his vision of perfect family life. An example might be that the children are not following the traditional religious or cultural customs of the father.

 

A third, and I believe to be one I will be talking about in the future because it speaks to the possibility of a disordered personality person but more on that next week; is the Anomic killer. This one sees his family as a result of economic success, allowing him to display his achievements. However, if the father becomes a financial failure, he sees his family as no longer serving this function.

 

Another and the last one cited in the article is the Paranoid type. Annihilators perceive an external threat to the family. He may think that social services or the legal system will side against him and take away the children. In this case, the motive might be a twisted desire to protect the family. I think more accurately, is not to protect the family instead, to preserve it.

 

My conclusion is, it boils down to masculinity and perceptions of power that sets the background for the crime. His role in the family is central to what their idea of masculinity and what their part is in the family. If gender roles are central to the issue, I would say it is equally essential for society to understand that family roles should be defined and should be mutually agreed upon by the intimate partners. This would help prevent relationship ambivalence.

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I Have a Mentor

I Have a Mentor An Excerpt from a soon-to-be-published book Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I need advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need, but that’s because I don’t call...

I Have a Mentor

I Have a Mentor

Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I’m in need of advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors; not always in person but am always listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.

System Or Procedural Problems?

System Or Procedural Problems?

In the northwest, recent family catastrophic events bring to my attention, the procedures, either lacking or not followed regarding domestic violence and the courts. In 2012, Joshua Powell murdered his two sons in a house fire that he too perished. In a short video, I...

Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

Why is Early-Life Attachment Important?

So often we hear things like, “Just let them cry it out” or “Ignore them, that’ll stop it.” I suppose if you want to have a child surrounded by anxiety issues in their adult life, that would be the way to go, you know, to create a being embedded with an insatiable...

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Profiles of Family Annihilators

Most often in the universe outside law enforcement and the Court system, family annihilators are viewed as sociopathic, living outside the law. But the research shows otherwise, and we should all take heed and consider the possible corrective actions that would help...

Contact Me

Ask a question or book an appointment below. For emergencies call 911 or visit your nearest hospital

(360) 910-1687
mwillbur@willburcounseling.com