by Mike Willbur | Familicide, Uncategorized
Is it suicide that is really sought out by the person who just died by his or her own hand? Or is suicide the tool used to stop the pain that is somehow induced into their already miserable existence? In the case of Tuan Dao, if we look closer into his life, we can arrive at the conclusion he was in a state of despair with no escape route in sight. It may have been a last resort to end the suffering, which really amounted to his inability to cope with a temporary situation he perceived as permanent and inconceivable.
Let’s take the murderous event out of this equation for a moment and look at Tuan Dao’s beginnings. I wrote briefly about the possible scenarios of his early life, which culminated into a person with no coping skills, emotional regulator, and no innate sense of humility. The latter would not serve him well in his family life simply because he I believe, dehumanized his whole family, starting with his wife. In reflection, the words ring clear as he was departing our home just days before he committed that horrendous crime, “they are not your possessions Tuan, they are your children.”
As I followed this family through the years, it became apparent to me he was becoming violent; first emotionally and eventually an occasional hole in the wall and finally, with the strike of a match, ending not only his life, but five of his children’s as well. One would ask, why fire? Why not use a gun like the 91% of the familicide perpetrators do? Let’s take the gun scenario for a moment. It’s fast and requires knee jerk-like reactions. In other words, a person who is impulsive may use a gun just because it’s available and only takes a second. More times than not, it’s a lack of impulse control which dictates the use of a gun to kill a family.
A fire on the other hand, takes planning for the most part – contemplation. This is called despair folks; pain. So much pain, in fact maybe in the absence of a gun, the only other option.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Portfolio, Uncategorized
I received some feedback on the book and find that some have missed the point. And that is, with matters of the heart, it is complex and can’t be resolved with unprofessional intervention, family, or friends who want only to join in on the folly. Marriage is the union of two people and it’s a sexual union. That’s what makes it so complex – because human sexuality is beyond any buddy buddy relationship outside the home.
When Domestic Violence happens, understand that it is not a disease rather, a behavior based on one gender’s perceived superiority over the other – it’s about unequal power and control in the relationship. In the case of Tuan Dao? He was a broken person. He was well liked outside his home. In fact, there lies the contradiction. How could he be such a loved person outside the home and a crazed, jealous husband within the walls of matrimony?
It’s obvious to me…His ideas of parental and husband roles were distorted and in the end…it was the shame and disappointment that drove him to murder his own children. It was not rational. It was a power play and a final attempt to control his own environment. This is proof enough for me to believe he suffered from a childhood attachment disorder.
I didn’t write that book as a work of literary art folks. It is a story; a gruesome story of how relationships can end up fatal. Take care all.
Mike
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
Okay, so what’s the big deal about “Power and Control” issues? Should power and control be judged by the motives of the person who is seeking it out? Is it possible that an inner need to have this power and control be a sure sign there is a lack of it and makes one feel inadequate without it? And what about how a person feels when confronted by another who is trying to overpower them? Is this a trigger for the person who already has a pathology of unregulated anger?
What ever the case is, it should be said simply, “Too much of any one thing can be considered unhealthy.” That includes ice-cream, beer, candy, soda pop, and of course, power and control. If it’s true, “life is not fair” and we are always compromising about something, then the power and control needs a person feels should be explored to hopefully discover what those irrational needs are so the irrationality can be extinguished in favor of a more comfortable and happy relationship with your spouse.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
I heard this last weekend – “Maybe those hard questions should be asked of the potential mate, how was your relationship with your father?” Was this question directed to a female? Probably was and to address it, I would say that it’s not likely possible to cover all the bases when screening our potential mate. It would be good information though, to know and understand the immediate family relationship as experienced by a potential life partner.
But since we most likely are not led by our logical side when it comes to embarking on a relationship, any issues arising out of the clouds of love, passion, and otherwise healthy relationships, will have to be dealt with when they pop up. Oh well, such is life…right back to where I think the beginning of understanding is – COMMUNICATION.
This is that thing we use to get a message across to a receiver and hopefully, the receiver gets the same message I am sending. Any thoughts?
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
The scenario is, I was arrested and the charges against me were Assault IV/Domestic Violence. It has never happened before – or should I say, the Police have never been called before. Okay, let’s say, I don’t get physically abusive in my home but this one time, I lost control of myself…oh, did I say control? Yes, it really is about control and the relinquishing of that control to you intimate partner. How can I do that? I was raised to be in charge of my family. In fact, nobody ever told me but I think it meant, “I am the superior gender of the two”
That was my assumption all these years? So when I attend Domestic Violence treatment and it takes me weeks – maybe months to admit that I am a power and control seeker. I’ll know it’s my problem because it’s the denial that supports the premise that I seek control. It’s what I was taught. Maybe not directly but I learned it nonetheless. This is how I know it’s my problem. I can’t admit in an open forum that I am not necessarily the superior gender. I can’t say that my partner and I really have a partnership and in any sense of the word, we are not collaborators. And so, it will take me maybe longer than the court has mandated, to rebuild my relationship if there is a relationship left.
This was just an example of what I sometimes witness…
