by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Forensic Counseling, PTSD, Uncategorized
Actually, I have more than one mentor, but all are equally important to me. I turn to my mentors when I’m in need of advice. These mentors are not always aware of when I’m in need but that’s because I don’t call them – I recall something they have said or did to get some of the answers I seek. Sometimes I socialize with my mentors; not always in person but am always listening to them and taking in what they say or have read something they wrote that I save for use at a later date – never know though, when that date will arrive.
My mentors don’t pick me rather I pick them. They are young, old, male and female. I have known many of them for years and others, just recent acquaintances. When I pick them, they are not aware that I am doing so; it is that discreet. They have said something wise or have taught me something that has enhanced my life but in any case, they are selfless and their only motive is to share something useful with the rest of the world – “they are giving back.”
When my mentors witness me in error, they are not judgmental and when correcting me, they don’t point out the actual error. Instead, they bring attention to alternative points of view, allowing me to make another, more sound decision that will give me a more desirable outcome. I guess it’s like math – certainly an equation that requires calculated risks in order to realize a desired change.
My mentors are not afraid to tell me what their opinion is on controversial subjects and don’t try to sway my opinion in the process. It is just an exchange of ideas. They treat me with respect and as I watch them, I see that they respect everyone. What they give to the world is indiscriminate with no prerequisites for receiving – it’s based on needs only. They are keenly aware of their own imperfections and embrace the chance to improve them.
My mentors know how to criticize without being contemptuous. They understand the difference between the two words and know one is destructive to relationships. To the many mentors on my list, I would like to thank you for knowing that doing the right thing is not the exception rather the norm.
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by Mike Willbur | Familicide, Uncategorized
In the northwest, recent family catastrophic events bring to my attention, the procedures, either lacking or not followed regarding domestic violence and the courts. In 2012, Joshua Powell murdered his two sons in a house fire that he too perished.
In a short video, I viewed a news clip showing the Powell boys entering the house where their father was, ahead of the social worker assigned to the case, and to supervise the visitation. This proved fatal for those children, but of course, it was Joshua Powell that did the deed. And as in every after-action review, we can see that if procedures were in place to ensure safety, this might have never happened.
Another case, which happened in Vancouver, WA in 2011, found Tuan Dao with five of his six children in a vacant house, soon to be foreclosed. Just 30 days prior, he was arrested for assaulting his wife in their home. There was a No Contact Order in place, naming his wife as the protected party. The incident happened with the children present yet, and the court did not require supervised visitation for at least the time needed to adjudicate the case against Tuan Dao.
As in Josh Powell, Tuan Dao set his house ablaze with him and the children inside. They all perished. The similarities are worth studying. Josh Powell had a hatchet while Tuan Dao had a hammer, and both struck a match to end it all for themselves and the children.
It’s a guessing game trying to figure out why these two supposedly doting fathers would kill their children. It is much easier to accept the fact that the children were not in a safe environment, and a system coupled with the procedures within that system failed. It was unintentional but still a failure and certainly worth bringing the problems or perceived problems to the surface for analyzing and correction for the prevention of future such catastrophic events.
Summary:
It only makes sense for the court to look at each case and pick the ones where children are included in the relationship and not allow visitation without supervision during the adjudication period. Additionally, as we saw in the Powell case, if on that fateful day, the house was inspected before allowing the children in, that may have prevented the event. That said, the social worker in the Powell case may have been in danger as well, so I choose to believe, as do most behavioral scientists, that these family annihilators are anomalies. This fact does not relieve us of that awesome responsibility to ensure the safety of all family members.
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by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide, Uncategorized
Most often in the universe outside law enforcement and the Court system, family annihilators are viewed as sociopathic, living outside the law. But the research shows otherwise, and we should all take heed and consider the possible corrective actions that would help with early warning signs and prevention.
The research about family annihilators shows that those who would commit such acts, are typically not engaged with the criminal justice system and don’t exhibit any mental health conditions. In other words, they fly under the radar. On the surface, they are loving husbands and good fathers. Most often, they hold good-paying jobs. So, what does the profile of a typical annihilator resemble? I took the following information from an article published by the UK titled, “A Taxonomy of Male British Annihilators, 2008-2013.”
In this article, Dr. Wilson states, first of all, “Very few of these ‘family annihilators’ had criminal records or were known to mental health services beforehand.”
Everyone will agree that family annihilation is a male crime due to out of 71 annihilators, 59 were male, and 12 were female. And although the reasons are not stated in the article, I believe that males and females who kill their children will do so for very different reasons. Therefore, the two should be parsed accordingly for research purposes.
Interestingly enough, 81% percent of the men attempted suicide after the act, which refutes the traditional idea that family annihilators may force the police to shoot them as is familiar with the spree murderers. In the case of family annihilators, there were no such cases recorded. Notably, 71% of those were employed, with occupations ranging from surgeons and marketing executives to mail carriers, and drivers.
According to the family members of the 71 annihilators mentioned, the family breakup was the most common cause in 66% of the cases. However, this included related domestic issues such as access to children. Financial difficulties were the second most commonly cited motive, followed by honor killing and mental illness.
The article discusses traits and motives which identify four types of family annihilators; anomic, disappointed, paranoid, and self-righteous. It is differentiated from the traditional ideas of revenge or altruistic murderers.
The self-righteous killer seeks to locate blame for his crimes upon the mother, who he holds responsible for the breakdown of the family. This type may phone his partner beforehand to explain what he is about to do. I believe this is the man who feels his breadwinner status is central to their idea of the ideal family. The disappointed type believes his family has let him down or has acted in ways to undermine or destroy his vision of perfect family life. An example might be that the children are not following the traditional religious or cultural customs of the father.
A third, and I believe to be one I will be talking about in the future because it speaks to the possibility of a disordered personality person but more on that next week; is the Anomic killer. This one sees his family as a result of economic success, allowing him to display his achievements. However, if the father becomes a financial failure, he sees his family as no longer serving this function.
Another and the last one cited in the article is the Paranoid type. Annihilators perceive an external threat to the family. He may think that social services or the legal system will side against him and take away the children. In this case, the motive might be a twisted desire to protect the family. I think more accurately, is not to protect the family instead, to preserve it.
My conclusion is, it boils down to masculinity and perceptions of power that sets the background for the crime. His role in the family is central to what their idea of masculinity and what their part is in the family. If gender roles are central to the issue, I would say it is equally essential for society to understand that family roles should be defined and should be mutually agreed upon by the intimate partners. This would help prevent relationship ambivalence.
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by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide
Being classified as a DV perpetrator is probably the broadest way to categorize someone into the one-size fits all group. For the sake of this post, I will speak in terms of low level, medium, and high risk categories of perpetrators of domestic violence.
First, let me say that I am aware of the many groups of advocates and social activists who are doing great work in terms of caring for the victims of partner violence – that is their share of this pie. Also, even though DV can be perpetrated by both females and males, it is predominate among males and so, I refer only to the males as perpetrators in this article.
Now, on with what I’d like to say about the subject of classification of those who commit crimes against their intimate partners.
In many of the interviews of DV perpetrators I have conducted, there was a distinction between what we all know to be a “Batterer” and a person who could be placed into a category of an immature person who is incapable of coping with life as an adult simply because they did not learn this skill for some reason. This person could be placed in a high risk category if the intensity of the violence was/could cause harm to the household (anyone under the same roof). Also, if this person was abusing drugs/alcohol and was under the influence during the assaultive behavior. That is not to say that substance abuse causes intimate partner violence (IPV), but it can be a factor when considering just how dangerous a person really is and how intense the violence can be.
Let’s say that this low level person does not use drugs or alcohol, is married and is fairly young, as is the partner they are married to (Around 20). They are just getting started in life and are struggling with making financial ends meet month to month. Both are products of low income homes and chaotic lifestyles while growing up. One or both of them have parents who have divorced and were ultimately raised without any role models present in their lives.
The above is a recipe for coping disasters in most relationships but can it be defined as domestic violence? I think in most States, it would if going by the letter of the law but are there elements of power and control which is found in most battering situations? What is the real fix for a mutually combative couple like this?
My answer to that question is to have a DV evaluation done by using testing instruments which have been empirically proven as valid and reliable (if there are any questions about the incident being mutually combative, an evaluation on both parties could re victimize the victim). With a comprehensive interview and the testing, the evaluation will be more accurate than if not tested.
Still, if both parties are evaluated, the same counselor should not do both. This does not mean it would be okay to treat the couple conjointly. A review of any Police incident reports is useful to compare versions of an incident too. A trained domestic violence counselor should be able to come to conclusions about how to classify after the evaluation.
What would automatically put a person in either the medium or high risk class in my opinion, is the underlying belief about the relationship they are in. Does the perpetrator believe his spouse is his to do with as he wishes? Or does he assume that by virtue of gender, there are certain responsibilities attached to the relationship? In other words, is there an abnormal attachment in play? Those type of thought distortions need to be worked through and if not, most likely the only thing that may take place during DV treatment is to make a shift from one type of abusive behavior to another. No real change is taking place in that scenario.
The high risk (serial batterer) perpetrator is not ready or willing to change and this should be recognized during the evaluation period, prior to treatment. If the person who has been found guilty of assaulting a family member is not ready for change then everyone concerned is probably wasting their time (the only person in control of changing behavior is the person who needs change). I am not part of the punitive process rather a presenter of alternative routes.
As a mental health professional, I concern myself with what can be done to help my client achieve their emotional goals. I should be able to figure out in a few sessions if this person is ready for change and if not, then I am compelled to terminate the therapeutic relationship.
Domestic Violence treatment should be no different in that regard. We should be held accountable ethically for keeping those in treatment who are not compliant or are not changing. This requires a counselor to constantly and ongoing, evaluate and re-evaluate their DV perpetrator clients to ensure change is taking place.
And finally, it has been and is still being said that domestic violence is not about mental health rather behavior that needs to change. And as that may be true – especially when a Court is sentencing a person convicted of assaulting family (DV) when all they are concerned about is stopping the behavior and the safety of the victim/s, it takes a professional who is willing to consider the personal history of the perpetrator and discover a way to deliver a message about non-violence in a palatable manner so that real change can take place. It is time to look past mandated treatment curriculum to augment the didactic platform with appropriate counseling techniques that effect real personal change. Otherwise, the only change likely to take place is the change from one abusive behavior to another…
If after an evaluation of a person who has been charged with a DV crime, it is determined he is not in the category of a batterer (in the sense that he believes he is entitled to the power and control), then you have ruled out the need for DV treatment. It does open up the idea of, “what is appropriate treatment for this person who is violent but for different reasons than what we define as IPV?” (note to self…imposing oneself on a partner against their will either physically or psychologically automatically qualifies them for DV treatment).
The Court has the final say but I always render my professional opinion on the matter and the court will make its decision. I am not the one who is prosecuting the client but I am the one who may be charged with doing the treatment and when asked, I submit reports regardless of the outcome. There are times when there has been a conviction for a DV crime and as a result, the court orders a DV evaluation. If I have ruled out DV behavior, I will not recommend mandated DV treatment rather something more appropriate for this particular client. Now, that doesn’t mean that person won’t get DV treatment – most of the time when they are guilty according to the statute, they end up in DV treatment. I consider though, the Court has discretion in how it sentences assault against a family member. If asked by the court for a professional opinion, I give it regardless of how the testing and evaluation turns out. This way, the court can make a more informed decision.
I do not decide whether a person is guilty or not of a crime rather, I do DV evaluations as requested and do them according to our Judge’s manual for our State. I utilize all of my DV experience as well as my mental health experience – remembering that DV is not a mental health condition rather a behavior that needs to change, it is helpful though, to have therapeutic skills to help with the change process. There is so much more involved with domestic violence than the treatment of the perpetrator; that is just part of it…
I submit this with respect for all treatment providers and realize there are many schools of thought about DV – I am just one.
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide
Is there a more complex issue having to do with families? After all, we turn the news on and what do we hear? Someone just shot and killed a police officer who was answering a 911 call about domestic violence. Or a distraught father decides to kill his whole family instead of letting go of something that really didn’t belong to him in the first place. At least not in the way he thought they belonged to him.
A quick check of our County Jail shows in excess of 650 inmates and a whopping 1/3 of those were due to assaulting a family member. This is the typical population of our county jail. That number is not going down, and as long as I have been tracking it (seven years), it’s been fairly flat. The only thing that changes is the name of the inmate.
Of course, many of those are back in jail because they violated a No Contact Order. You can add that number to the 1/3 I mentioned, by the way.
How do we fix that? Why is that number still the same? After all, we have a Coordinated Community Response; we have multiple DV perpetrator treatment programs in the area, and a YWCA with a great program in place for victims of family violence. There is also a dedicated prosecution setup just for family assault prosecution yet we have a steady flow of customers into our treatment programs. One could say, “Our community has a program set up to handle this problem.” But if the number of people being prosecuted doesn’t decrease, can we say the program is successful?
It’s a multidimensional problem and needs a multidimensional solution in order to effect change. What change is that? To lower the number of assaults on family members? That may be the ultimate goal but between now and that goal, think of all the work to be done. All the moving parts of the system that really do have an effect on the outcome.
We have the Law Enforcement (which is an after the fact component), the YWCA which is in place with many advocates to support the victims and typically this too is after the fact. And of course, we have the DV treatment providers, again, after the fact. This list is not all inclusive but you get the point…everything we have is geared to handle a problem after it happens. What do we have that helps with prevention? And why is it not or more accurately, why is the number of arrests constant?
It takes more than a post on LinkedIn to answer these questions but for the sake of this limited post, let’s say that number of arrests can be decreased by:
- Teaching our children how to communicate effectively. Eventually, we’ll have a generation of people who know how to place a bid with their partner without fear of reprisal or rejection and even if there is rejection, they know how to process that too.
- When a person is arrested for assaulting a family member, a careful vetting of the individual who is accused should be a must. A complete risk assessment that considers not only the abuser but the victim as well. We want to believe this is being done already but it’s not and in most cases, I’ll go out on a limb and say they’re not effective in doing so.
- From a very early age, hold those in our care responsible for all they think, say, and do; without fail and consistently. Be equitable when handing out punishment and know what is a teaching moment and what is a punitive moment (can be the same). When punishing/teaching, don’t be angry – not necessary to make the point.
- Remember, and probably the most important of all…treating perpetrators who have been found guilty of assault/DV is only one part of this equation. A person attending a treatment program may be able to alter behavior by learning how to channel aggressive feelings or by learning relaxation techniques or even developing empathic tendencies but until a person changes internally, it is my opinion that the change will not be permanent.
by Mike Willbur | Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Familicide
It has been nearly four years since the murder of five of our eight grandchildren. Their distraught father who had been arrested and charged with assault/DV just a month prior, murdered them. I wrote what can be considered a fatality review of the event. In my research following the murders, I have been able to form an opinion about the profile of a person capable of such a dastardly deed. In any relationship, there are many moving parts and is most certainly multidimensional in that it takes more than one element to ensure its success or failure.
The most haunting of questions I had then and still to this day, is – why? Could it have been prevented? Well, the first question of why is probably the easier of the two to answer. And that is, his love for his family was malignant. It was malignant because he didn’t have the basic understanding of what love really was. It was an unrealistic expectation he had of his wife and without understanding what real love was, it was based on him getting his own needs fulfilled – it was a one-way street.
A disagreement with this person was to actually make him feel rejected and a typical reaction to that rejection was to at first, make his wife feel small. He did this by belittling her and isolating her from her support system. It evolved into hitting the walls and kicking and throwing the family pet across the room in fits of rage. Just like so many of the text books concerning domestic violence, this was a tactic to control her. In his mind, he was forcing her to love him but since he didn’t know what love looked like, his reactions to any opposing views were met with aggression.
His aggression didn’t translate into physical altercations with his wife – He used sex (forced) as a means to satisfy his desire to dominate instead of love. I also believe his behavior was escalating and when his wife made the decision to leave him, the unhealthy attachment he felt for her came to light. Panic ensued thereafter. He was the one now isolated, and it drove him mad as the one he looked to for motherly support, to care for his every desire, was abandoning him. His mindset was that of, “my mother is leaving me!” Or “How dare she (my possession) leave me! Such distorted thinking can drive a person mad and translate into what the outer-world would probably view as jealousy when in fact, it was fear of being left behind and unloved.
It was fear of abandonment that guided his behavior all the years of their marriage and as they transitioned from their twenties into their thirties, it only become more of a malignant relationship – not based on love rather satisfying the needs of one. Of course, it takes two in a marriage to ensure it’s success (or failure) but it has to be two who are willing to adjust to the changes of the other – be dynamic in a sense. Further, all too often, couples adapt an unrealistic expectation of what love is and based on that expectation, become disappointed often. Why? Because we are all imperfect, some more so than others and without the compassion and willingness to change and adapt in the relationship, the failure of this marriage was decided long before he decided to end it all – taking his children with him.
His wife played a part as does every partner but this writing is about his part and will address hers another time. Bottom line though, it was he who decided to try maintaining control by going all in – taking the lives of those children and his own. It was not his life or the lives of his children to take.
A complete forensic look at the events prior to and after can be found in a book titled, “More Than Domestic Violence, The Insidious Story.”
