by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
There are many studies out there making the claim that a psycho educational modality of treatment is best for DV Perpetrators. Although this Duluth model of treatment seems to be somewhat effective in many communities, it is singular in nature and attributes Domestic Violence to the male’s desire to control the female and does so by using power and control tactics. First of all, Domestic Violence is not a mental health issue rather, a behavior as the result of some underlying reason for being aggressive. It is that underlying reason for aggression that should dictate the type of treatment the perpetrator receives.
This brings to the table: How can a State dictate a treatment modality to a treatment provider when the underlying issue has not been uncovered yet? It’s quite simple actually. This psycho-educational treatment method that is known as the Duluth model, was founded over thirty years ago and with the exception of a few subtle changes along the way, it has remained as it was. Meanwhile, mental health treatments have progressed according to the many studies that support the change. Examples of this: DSM-III, IV, and V have been published since that time.
Is the system trying to fit a square peg in a round hole? Why not just call DV treatment something like, IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) educational classes instead of making it out to be some kind of treatment for a mental health issue because remember, DV is not a mental illness. On the other hand, a belief that it is okay to harm an intimate partner may be tied to some mental health issue.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
This will not set well with traditional Christians but gee whiz! Since we are imperfect and undoubtedly make mistakes in life, we ought to be able to reverse any decisions made in the past that are causing havoc in our present life if possible. Lives are destroyed all the time when a couple has decided to hang in there and not divorce, “as our parents did.”
Get a grip on reality and do a Ben Franklin close on your current relationship to see if you should even be trying to salvage it. In case you’re not familiar with what a Ben Franklin close is, draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and on the left, list the pros and on the right, list the cons of your relationship – see what the score is in the end
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
In the State of Washington, a court mandated Domestic Violence Perpetrator is required to attend six months of weekly sessions and six months of monthly for a total of 30 visits to the treatment facility. In most cases, are the perpetrators simply attending and not realizing any intrinsic change? Do they graduate at the end of the year regardless of progress?
Folks! We may be stopping some of the behavior but know this – most likely, the physical violence is transitioning into a more subtle less visible kind of abuse. A person can be terrorized without physical violence and get away with it because being a jerk is not illegal.
There are women in this country – in the world for that matter, who have been reduced to mere property and their souls have been amputated, leaving them with little to no self respect. And so, the current system is in dire need of change and soon if we are to rid ourselves of the home grown terrorism that tears at the core of our communities. It is disgusting to think about how the children will be starting life at a disadvantage simply because of home violence.
by Mike Willbur | Familicide, Uncategorized
Is it suicide that is really sought out by the person who just died by his or her own hand? Or is suicide the tool used to stop the pain that is somehow induced into their already miserable existence? In the case of Tuan Dao, if we look closer into his life, we can arrive at the conclusion he was in a state of despair with no escape route in sight. It may have been a last resort to end the suffering, which really amounted to his inability to cope with a temporary situation he perceived as permanent and inconceivable.
Let’s take the murderous event out of this equation for a moment and look at Tuan Dao’s beginnings. I wrote briefly about the possible scenarios of his early life, which culminated into a person with no coping skills, emotional regulator, and no innate sense of humility. The latter would not serve him well in his family life simply because he I believe, dehumanized his whole family, starting with his wife. In reflection, the words ring clear as he was departing our home just days before he committed that horrendous crime, “they are not your possessions Tuan, they are your children.”
As I followed this family through the years, it became apparent to me he was becoming violent; first emotionally and eventually an occasional hole in the wall and finally, with the strike of a match, ending not only his life, but five of his children’s as well. One would ask, why fire? Why not use a gun like the 91% of the familicide perpetrators do? Let’s take the gun scenario for a moment. It’s fast and requires knee jerk-like reactions. In other words, a person who is impulsive may use a gun just because it’s available and only takes a second. More times than not, it’s a lack of impulse control which dictates the use of a gun to kill a family.
A fire on the other hand, takes planning for the most part – contemplation. This is called despair folks; pain. So much pain, in fact maybe in the absence of a gun, the only other option.
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Portfolio, Uncategorized
I received some feedback on the book and find that some have missed the point. And that is, with matters of the heart, it is complex and can’t be resolved with unprofessional intervention, family, or friends who want only to join in on the folly. Marriage is the union of two people and it’s a sexual union. That’s what makes it so complex – because human sexuality is beyond any buddy buddy relationship outside the home.
When Domestic Violence happens, understand that it is not a disease rather, a behavior based on one gender’s perceived superiority over the other – it’s about unequal power and control in the relationship. In the case of Tuan Dao? He was a broken person. He was well liked outside his home. In fact, there lies the contradiction. How could he be such a loved person outside the home and a crazed, jealous husband within the walls of matrimony?
It’s obvious to me…His ideas of parental and husband roles were distorted and in the end…it was the shame and disappointment that drove him to murder his own children. It was not rational. It was a power play and a final attempt to control his own environment. This is proof enough for me to believe he suffered from a childhood attachment disorder.
I didn’t write that book as a work of literary art folks. It is a story; a gruesome story of how relationships can end up fatal. Take care all.
Mike
by Mike Willbur | Domestic Violence, Uncategorized
Okay, so what’s the big deal about “Power and Control” issues? Should power and control be judged by the motives of the person who is seeking it out? Is it possible that an inner need to have this power and control be a sure sign there is a lack of it and makes one feel inadequate without it? And what about how a person feels when confronted by another who is trying to overpower them? Is this a trigger for the person who already has a pathology of unregulated anger?
What ever the case is, it should be said simply, “Too much of any one thing can be considered unhealthy.” That includes ice-cream, beer, candy, soda pop, and of course, power and control. If it’s true, “life is not fair” and we are always compromising about something, then the power and control needs a person feels should be explored to hopefully discover what those irrational needs are so the irrationality can be extinguished in favor of a more comfortable and happy relationship with your spouse.
